The Mind-Body Connection

Life is multi-faceted, and while relationships arguably make the world go round, not just intimate ones, but friendships and family too, the most important relationship we will ever have is with ourselves.

Self-care has become a popular term recently, and for good reason. Mental health issues have seemingly increased exponentially. Suicide rates are climbing, and addictions are higher than ever.

The good news is more people are getting help, and having mental health struggles is becoming (somewhat) de-stigmatized. We still have a long way to go.

I’ve had therapy before—when I was going through my divorce, and after that. It’s something I had wanted to do for a long time but never really made the time. Some graduate schools require it, but sadly, mine did not. I’ve tried couples’ counseling, and I’ve had my kids in therapy at different times. I’ve tried medication before too—earlier in my career, and before I really connected how my stress was registering in my body. Our feelings can literally make us sick. Mine were making me sick. I felt a fair amount of shame that I did this work for a living but couldn’t “fix” myself.

In my early 30s, and well before my divorce, I was headed toward ulcerative colitis, something that “runs in my family,” and was diagnosed with ovarian cysts, both, in hindsight related to a stressful move, and major conflict with my father.

I tell this story because despite being a therapist and doing this work, I was NOT making the mind-body connection in the early 2000s. It took one of my favorite doctor’s, my PCP at the time, after running Lyme tests again (I had previously had marginal titres and was treated as though I had Lymes), saying, “Laurie, your tests are normal, I really think this is mind-body stuff” for me to open my eyes to what I was refusing to see—I was literally making myself sick.

I’m so grateful he had the wherewithal to say that. And I’m not sure I’ve ever had a doctor say something like that to me since. But they SHOULD be. I won’t get into the science but I think anyone who has ever had a tension headache or butterflies when nervous can immediately see the connection. Unmanaged “stress” leads to disease. It’s clear. I used “” for stress bc we love to call it stress as a way to destigmatize more serious mental health issues.

I was down. I was anxious. I was perfectionistic and cleaned too much. I was overwhelmed taking care of three little boys, working full-time, trying to be all things to everyone, in a marriage that felt unsafe. Living in my “dream home,” and buying things bc that was my only feeling of “control.” I’m sure I was in auto-pilot most of the time and had no real connection to how I was managing any of it.

The first step I took in undoing a lot of that was what we call “body scanning.” It’s exactly what it sounds like. It helped if I tensed all of my muscles at once, held for ten seconds, and then let go. I’d start noticing how my head felt, my neck, my back (where I tend to hold my stress), my stomach, my lower abdomen, my legs, and my feet. I started to notice when I was really mad or upset, I’d feel a twinge/pinch where my ovaries were. It was a sign from my body to start taking deep breaths. I’d ask myself, “what upset me today?” “How did I manage my feelings about that?” The more I noticed, and reflected, the earlier I “caught” pain, before it fully manifested.

It took A LOT of practice—like years. But since I started doing that, I’ve never had another GI issue (which incidentally is the #1 reason most adults go to the doctor, and most GI doctors will say the underlying cause of most GI issues is mental health-related). I never had ovarian cysts again either.

A renowned expert in trauma, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, wrote a book called, “The Body Keeps the Score.” He’s a super smart guy who essentially says the body stores all of our unresolved trauma and emotions. It’s why more and more, people are turning to yoga, meditation, martial arts, and being in nature, to reset. Yes, therapy can help, but it’s only one small piece of the puzzle. We have to keep engaging our bodies and minds together. Learning new habits, unlearning old ones. Re-wiring our brains—literally. We have to give our bodies a break from our minds through flow activities, if we are prone to worrying or negative thinking.

I am still a worrier and am wired to be more of a negative thinker. I keep a gratitude journal and constantly remind myself through my own self-talk of my strengths and blessings. It works a lot.

What also works is to stop resisting. To just honor the fact that there are still times when I feel like I’m falling down a rabbit hole and can’t get out. I tell you this not bc I want it to sound hopeless. Just that it’s not normal to feel “happy” and content all of the time. Just like it’s not good to feel sad and depressed most of the time.

I think positive psychology is a little bit bullshit. It’s a good practice to have in a “toolkit” of sorts. but ALL feelings have to be felt (or see above—they show up in our bodies some other way).

So for me, when the darkness wants it’s way, I write, I wallow, I watch Netflix, I read. I lift weights. I listen to metal. I take hot baths. I cry (incidentally, I think crying is one of the most underrated forms of stress release—we are made to cry!) I appreciate the ability to feel the full spectrum of feelings, bc I know without the lows, the highs wouldn’t feel nearly as glorious.

I give all of my feelings space. And time to be felt.

I just don’t live there indefinitely. I know what my body wants. I know how to quiet my mind. I ask for help when I feel my thoughts spiraling. I search for the meaning of my feelings, but I also accept that sometimes I haven’t figured out why they are there. I do the self-care things while accepting I am made this way. Humans are made this way.

Some days, most days, I practice my skills. And other days, I enjoy the creative torrent of thoughts my mind unleashes when it wants to feel sadness.

Just be careful not to “live” in any one space. And to begin really listening to how your body is registering feelings that have been ignored or unprocessed.

The body really does keep the score. My healing is proof.

How do you care for your mind and body? How do you manage stress/depression/anxiety etc?

All the best,

Laurie